I got this from a website that had the complete transcript of the skit.  This is a condensed version:

Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam; spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Spread one grahm cracker with nutella; spread one grahm cracker with marscopone.  Put them together.

-Aldo

I am so happy to be home in the USA where I can get a beer for less than $6 and easily find a public or private “WC”where I don’t have to pay another euro to recycle it.  The trip was fabulous, I’ll post when I get a chance.

I used to think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but my depressive mood hasn’t improved recently in spite of the fact that I am seeing significant amounts of sunlight most days of the week.  It is light late enough that am able to run outside at 6pm or even later some days and although warm days are still rare, we have had as many sunny days as overcast days recently so I had really hoped my mood would have improved by now.  Another reason my mood disorder may not be entirely seasonal is that my mood improves quite dramatically to essentially normal if not euphoric when I go on a vacation.  This has led me to a new self-diagnosis which is an affective disorder best characterized as employment related.  I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out given that it is a clearly inherited disorder.  My mom suffered from this condition throughout most of her adult life without ever being formally diagnosed.  In retrospect what she described as Sunday night anxiety was clearly a symptom of the disease and I have this same symptom although probably in a more severe form.  My dad retired at age 58 which in my mind is a clear sign of advanced disease progression.  Luckily both my mom and dad were able to retire at a relatively young age and both are now in complete remission.  My sister is less fortunate, although she clearly had ERRATIC syndrome for the entire 20 years (nearly) of her employment, she can not afford the only real cure for the disease which is early retirement.  She now suffers from a similar syndrome associated with unemployment (UnERRATIC syndrome) which seems to be equally unpleasant and debilitating.  I’m not sure if my brother suffers from ERRATIC syndrome, but I suspect he also has at least a mild case.

OK, the acronym is a stretch, I probably could have come up with a better one if I had devoted a little more time and energy.

Dear Obama,

I have a proposal to help get us through this economic crisis. I call it the EVER system. We would allow public and private employers who are struggling to remain productive/profitable to hire unemployed people and people on welfare as a temporary workforce.

The employee’s incentive for participating:

1. You are serving your country by helping to improve the bottom line for this particular company and the US economy in general.

2. You earn an extra $2/hour above your usual government paid benefits as a reward for your participation.

3. You can leave at any time without notice and for any reason and retain your previous benefits.

4. You are encouraged to continue looking for a better job or help create a new job by improving productivity and revenue for the company where you are ‘volunteering’.

5. You can use this program to work in a new environment that might inspire a career change.

6. You can use this opportunity to learn about what kind of education or training you would need to further your career.

7. You can use this as an opportunity to network.

The government agency’s role:

1. Continue the existing support for this employee at the same rate as before their temporary ‘voluntary’ employment.

The employer’s rights/responsibilities:

1. Pay the employee $2/ hour which he gets to keep ‘tax free’ in addition to his regular unemployment/welfare benefits.

2. Pay another $2/hour in ‘taxes’ directly to the agency which is supporting this employee.

3. You may lay off this employee at any time without notice and for no cause, when this happens the employee simply retains his original benefits.

4. The goal is to improve productivity and/or to become more profitable so that you can hire this employee or a more highly trained employee at a full salary in the near future.

5. You may hire an employee that was recently laid off by your company, but you may not lay-off an existing employee and rehire him through this program.

6. You may not lay off any current full time employee while using this program (ie you are not allowed to use this cheap labor to replace your existing workforce). This will be strictly enforced.

I think this plan incorporates both democratic and republican principles and could therefore be accepted on a bipartisan basis.

Many years ago, Aldo had a “sukiyaki moment”.  We took the train from San Clemente to  Santa Barbara to celebrate our anniversary.  When we went out to dinner that night, the waiter commented that in his entire career at that particular Japanese restaurant he’d never seen anyone finish the entire sukiyaki dinner by himself.  This inspired Aldo to notice that he had gained some weight and was at a new all time high.  Later, he squeezed into his biking shorts and proclaimed “I look like a tic”.

My sukiyaki moment was a little fuzzier.  I busted the elastic on a particular pair of pants I wear frequently and thought to myself, darn I may have to throw these away.  Shortly thereafter these pants became the only pair I could fit into and they were even becoming a little tight.

I think I now understand dogs or cats who prefer wet food over dry food.  Some of the Nutrisystems food that needs to be reconstituted is really bad (the minestrone soup is the worst).

I have been on this diet for 8 days now and I can say the Nutrisystem diet is working.  I weigh at least 2lbs less than when I started and I had already lost another few pounds in the weeks immediately after leaving Albuquerque when I decided to start eating like a normal person again.  The key seems to be to avoid anything that tastes good.  Aldo and I are going to gradually start eating normal food every now and then.  My biggest hurdle is to learn portion control when eating good food.  We have cheated a little on the diet.  I have occasionally substituted wine or a martini for ‘fruit portions’ and this hasn’t seemed to have a negative effect.  Kitty says I can substitute the vodka for vegetable portions since it usually comes from potatoes.

The bad news is that the food isn’t great. The good news is that the food isn’t great. My main problem with overeating is that I LOVE really great food, so when I am offered really yummy food, I overeat. The nutrisystem food is fine or even good (similar to lean cuisine of weight watchers type food), but it does not inspire overeating. The handouts were interesting. They make this point about eating when you have ‘internal hunger signals’ not ‘external hunger signals’. The external signals are when you see something yummy on TV or when you walk past some really yummy food somewhere.  No chance of external hunger signals happening when I walk past the big box of Nutrisystem food choices. Lunch is a teensy cup (7.5 oz) of soup (160 calories) and an example of dinner is a teensy piece of meatloaf with mashed potatoes (300 calories). A couple of things I didn’t realize when we signed up.

1. We are still buying some food. We bought soda, and milk for the cereal already, but we are also allowed to eat salads (minimal dressing) and veggie/fruit portions with most meals and these aren’t included. There are a few hamburger-like-food-product-patties for dinner and we are supposed to find a small roll to eat it with.

2. Very little of the food requires freezing, it is mostly soup and meals in microwaveable containers. There are a few items that look like they may need to be rehydrated or something.

Aldo and I are going to do the Nutrisystem diet for 2 months (and two free weeks).  First, I’m trying to get used to eating slightly less than 3000 calories a day (fabulous food in ABQ!) then I think we will officially start next Monday (or thereabouts) when the food arrives.  My goal is to lose 15 lbs.  I believe it is something like $550/month for both us on the family plan, which should be significantly less than we spend on food in a typical month (especially if we go out to eat once or twice).  We’re not supposed to drink any alcohol at all, but I will try to stick to one glass of red wine if I decide to cheat every now and then.  I’m sure you’re all dying for updates, so I’ll keep you posted.  I may actually start exercising again too.

Wish me Luck!

Karrie

Anyone know where I can find a Cadillac?