Lasagna is great, therefore other food products should be banned

I once put a spoonful of brown rice in my mouth and gagged a little.  My husband had been eating it and this made me wonder how I could ever have married him.  This gag reflex made me realize that I am a much better person than the type of person who eats that nasty stuff.  I grew up eating real food so I have a natural tendency to dislike foods that are dissatisfying and make me unhappy.  I have a great respect for my own health and I am therefore obligated to tell you why you should only eat food that gives you energy, tastes wonderful and makes you feel really happy.  Lasagna is the best possible food for this and all other non-lasagna food products should therefore be removed from our grocery store shelves.  I’m sure that once I have educated you regarding the facts, you will begin to remove other foods from your diet.  Once this is accomplished, we as the educated few, are obligated to campaign to pass laws removing other foods from our shelves so that the unfortunate and uneducated are not tempted by the wrong kinds of food.  Lasagna has been scientifically proven to contain nutrients, vitamins and minerals that enhance health and more importantly; the pasta in lasagna provides a readily available source of glucose to feed our brains.  Without the starch, protein and fat provided by lasagna, our brains would starve and we would all die.  I feel good about the all natural products that go into lasagna and love that my eating these ingredients contributes to society as a whole and to our environment.  I am proud that by buying meat and dairy products I am contributing to the birth of hundreds, if not thousands, of cattle and dairy cows that would otherwise have never been born and kept safe and healthy by a caring farmer and other contributing members of society.  It makes me sad that less environmentally conscious folks refuse to understand the importance of this contribution to our planet.  As the educated elite, we need to make sure that every person on our planet has access to just the right amount of lasagna to compensate exactly for his daily caloric expenditure.  We also need to make sure that no other toxic food sources containing unhealthy ingredients and chemicals; that make me gag and drain my energy are available to the general public.  Twinkies may be ok (every now and then) but lentils, soy milk, tofu and raw carrots must be banned immediately.  Once we have achieved our goals of removing all lasagna non-compatible items from our stores, and of providing just the right daily allotment to the general public; obesity and all the medical problems associated with obesity will disappear and our national health care system will no longer be drained of important resources that can be used to fight more important diseases such as cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.  Many of you are already smart enough to know what foods you should and should not eat, but please help me educate the masses who are obviously clueless.

This was inspired by some of the idiotic ‘health food’ articles that I’ve been reading in my Lifetime Fitness magazine lately.  Do you think they’ll publish this?  A letter to the editor maybe?