Lame Excuses

I am compiling a list of lame excuses (paraphrased) for bad behavior. Please feel free to contribute. Seems like we hear about a new one pretty much every day.

1. I didn’t understand the rules.

-Bill Belichick

2. It was a sting operation.

-OJ Simpson

3. I am innocent and we proved I am innocent.

-Floyd Landis

4. I depends what IS is.

-Bill Clinton

5. I have a wide stance.

-Larry Craig

6. I hadn’t been getting the mortgage statements.

-Pacman Jones

7. My lawyers didn’t explain what a suspended license meant.

-Paris Hilton

8. They must have “misremembered” that I was using HGH when I really wasn’t.

-Roger Clemens

9. I have to grade reflection papers

-The Groundhog

10. I didn’t read the divorce decree

-Gary Wills

11.  My client is an experienced drinker

-attorney defending a drunk pilot

12.  This is a rebuilding year

-Minnesota Vikings

13.  We were going to vote for the bailout bill until Nancy Pelosi gave that speech

-The Republicans

14.  I know I am surprised and I’m sure my fans are surprised given the clean lifestyle I live, I don’t know how this could have happened (re: steroid use).

-Big Papi

15.  It’s a personal matter (about the foot fetish).

-Coach Ryan

16.  No comment (the penis pictures)

-Brett Farve

17.  I sometimes engage in horseplay with the players in the shower.



6 Responses

  1. Another great new idea from my favorite blogger. I’ll have to look for some more of these.

  2. My name is Gary Wills. I am CEO of a company.
    I didnt read my divorce decree and didnt realize that if I sold property she would get $180,000.00.

  3. 9. I have to grade reflection papers.

    – The Groundhog

  4. This is a rebuilding year. The oft-used excuse to explain the poor performance of the minnesota vikings

  5. I couldn’t bring myself to delete this comment even though I have no idea who ‘Benjamin’ is. –Karrie

    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

    But I have not yet attended college.

  6. i talk on the phone all day at work, prefer to e mail instead

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